Courage and power

I felt very fortunate last night to sit in on a mates alcoholics anonymous meeting. Now I won't say where the meeting was or anything that could identify the attendees, I am not breaching that trust, but what I will say is that it was a very humbling experience and I learnt a lot.

See I am fortunate in that I am not an alcoholic. When I was in hospital I told myself that I would never drink again and that is a promise that, again fortunately for me has been an easy one to upkeep.

Listening to the attendees sharing, I sat there in awe. The courage to get up in front of others and talk about their inner demons and how they are very grateful to be sober that day gave me some real perspective on just how hard it is to remain sober.

The genuine acknowledgement from the other attendees once they completed their share, was exactly that, genuine. The support for one another was clearly evident.

Some spoke easier than others, people from all walks of like attended and everyone spoke with brutal and open honesty. It was clear that this approach is what keeps them sober. To be honest with themselves and not 99% honest, 100% honest.

The overall feeling I got from listening to the shares, was just how much power they drew from each others successes. So many shining lights and positive points to draw from when others are really battling to remain sober.

The amount of respect I have for the attendees could not be higher. It was a very humbling experience and my the amount of education I got by having a small glimpse into the world of an alcoholic was invaluable. I have so much more to learn about alcohol addiction but I am way better off than what I was this time yesterday.

No doubt it takes a heap of courage to go to a meeting and to open up, but if you are struggling with alcohol, get along to an AA meeting. You do not have to share your story, you can sit and listen and gain some very powerful support and power from others.

Much respect.

Reflections

This time eight years ago, I was a few hours away from being hospitalised. A near decade of climbing PTSD, depression and anxiety symptoms resulted in me having, what was described as a "catastrophic loss of self". I was devoid of self worth, devoid of any resilience and was a shell of my former self.

At 11.55 pm on 10 February 2013, my life changed forever. A monumentally scary and confusing time and one, over the next week or so, gave me the knowledge of why people suicide.

Thankfully suicide was never an option for me but I got one hell of a lesson on just how low a human being can feel. It is certainly strange and equally frightening when tomorrow is black. There is no future, only the past and the present which I was completely overwhelmed with because it sucked, sucked massive.

Today I get to reflect on the past eight years and get an understanding of the distance I have come.

The incredible friendships I have made along the way with others who have experienced what we experience.

The knowledge that I have gained.

The techniques I have learnt to keep the keel nice and steady and when it goes of course, how to correct it.

The self belief I have got back, although I still have a long way to go, it is a dam sight more than zero!

The building of my resilience back up, again from zero has been challenging, but rewarding.

The ability to openly talk of my experience to others and to feel more comfortable standing in front of 500 people doing this than a lot of other places, very rewarding.

The starting of a support group, a partners group and a foundation to support my colleagues and their families wasn't something on the horizon early on but has been brilliant to watch grow.

I have been told so many times that I have so much courage, but I do not see it that way, far from it, I see it as a human repairing a serious injury by a variety of means.

I still have a ton of work to do and a life time of self care in front of me but I have the tools in my mental health tool kit to be able to successfully navigate what is ahead of me and if I get stuck along the way, I have so many to call on to give me a hand.

I am blessed. I put my health first, however I am very clear that there are so many much worse off than me, some close friends being front and center so I am grateful of where and who I am.

To be somewhat excited about the future is something that I have not felt since the mid 2000's and as each day goes by, I feel better about myself so is 10 February a crap day, not in the slightest, today is a great day.

A special day...

Was incredibly honored to be invited as a panelist for the Chamberlain Foundation Lunch today. The Chamberlain Foundation do some amazing work in the mental health space and have donated $350,000 towards Lifeline, GriefLine and RUOK, an incredible effort.

"Razor" Ray Chamberlain and his brothers, Brian and Peter do a power of work and today donated a massive $30,000 to the Police Association of Victoria for an upcoming program to strengthen the mental health of my colleagues and for this, I am especially grateful.

Being up on stage in front of 250+ people being interviewed by Brad McEwan, who is a brilliant Master of Ceremonies, was very humbling and to share this with my mate Erin Cotter-Smith all made for one of those days which you will remember for all the good reasons.

Honest and open conversations about mental health are becoming more common now and we all need to do more in this space.

Brad mentioned that in my podcast with Erin for Conversations with The Code 9 Foundation that I wouldn't change my diagnoses if I could. Today is one of the main reasons why I wouldn't. You see, thanks to the Chamberlain's, I was given an opportunity to tell parts of my story to a large crowd and help influence them to take the important steps to either maintain their mental health or to seek out some assistance if they are struggling.

Being exposed to and connecting to people like the Chamberlains, Brad, champion netballer Geva Mentor, our Code 9 Foundation Ambassador Tiff Cook and the ever brilliant Erin Cotter Smith has all happened because of my diagnoses, so was it a negative experience, bloody oath it was but that is now a very positive experience.

The feedback received was very humbling and as I continue to work on my identity and who I am, I know I need to back myself more but hey we are all a work in progress and it is a long way back from having no self confidence or self esteem, but I am getting there.

Thank you Ray, Brian and Peter. Very grateful for the opportunity.

Who is in your tribe?

Do you have people in your tribe that make you better?

How many people who are in your tribe, will tell you what you need to hear instead of what you want to hear?

How many “yes” people are in your tribe?

To repeat the first one, have you got people within your tribe that make you better.

I repeated that because it is critical.

• They help you heal.
• They help you grow.
• They positively challenge you.
• They support you.
• They encourage you.
• They teach you.

Alternatively, do you have people in your tribe that:

• Drain your energy?
• Not support you?
• Are toxic?
• Are unempathetic?
• Always negative and cannot see anything but negativity?

Self-reflect, work out who is in your tribe:

• double down on the good, identify others that will make you better and build that relationship.
• remove the bad, the draining, the negative, the toxic.

You will be much healthier and happier for that choice.

Be well.

April 8 2003 - the day my life changed, forever.

**Update: 19 years later and nothing has changed. The memories and feelings all remain the same.

18 years ago today I was called to a suicide with my off sider and great mate Lummy.

I remember the two story brick block of apartments in Collingwood, the green hand rail leading to the second story, the rusty lock on the green door, the door being open an inch or two, the two seater couch, the one seater chair, the round mat with tassles on the floor, the small TV with rabbits ears, the display cabinet with wine and champagne glasses within, the white stove, the white microwave, the white fridge, the pots and pans in the sink and everything else about that small one bed unit.

Most of all I remember the deceased, sandy/light brown short curly'ish hair, green tshirt, grey cargo shorts, no shoes and no socks. The look on his face, the lines in his face and other details that I need not go into.

I remember the physical impact as I looked at him.

I remember turning away and knowing that I had just been impacted like I had never been impacted before.

I remember leaving the unit.

I remember choosing to give death messages rather than go back inside.

I remember eventually having to re-enter only to have my trauma compounded by the smells of the unit.

I have reflected on this day countless times over the years and accepting that I was seriously injured on this day was an important part of my recovery.

To understand that I only looked at the deceased for the equivalent time of a blink of an eye, yet I have retained every exact minute detail.

To understand that we were only in that unit for 6-8 seconds before discovering the deceased, yet I have retained all the sights within that unit in minute detail.

That day is forever etched into my memory and it significantly changed my life, forever.

I will not ever type out the deceased's name out of respect. I know it and I know the exact address but that's to remain within.

I do not have any anger towards the deceased in any way. I have great empathy and I always wonder what he was going through to make that decision.

I feel for his parents and his friends that today, they reflect on a lost one while I sit on the opposite side of the scale. I am not throwing any parties here, don't get me wrong, but I am happy today. I am happy that I have come through the other side and have used the experience in a positive sense.

I often say, suicide is the biggest most critical decision of your life, when you are least able to make it. I will never know what his thought process was, but I sincerely hope his family and friends are at peace and have an understanding of why he made that decision.