Reflections

This time eight years ago, I was a few hours away from being hospitalised. A near decade of climbing PTSD, depression and anxiety symptoms resulted in me having, what was described as a "catastrophic loss of self". I was devoid of self worth, devoid of any resilience and was a shell of my former self.

At 11.55 pm on 10 February 2013, my life changed forever. A monumentally scary and confusing time and one, over the next week or so, gave me the knowledge of why people suicide.

Thankfully suicide was never an option for me but I got one hell of a lesson on just how low a human being can feel. It is certainly strange and equally frightening when tomorrow is black. There is no future, only the past and the present which I was completely overwhelmed with because it sucked, sucked massive.

Today I get to reflect on the past eight years and get an understanding of the distance I have come.

The incredible friendships I have made along the way with others who have experienced what we experience.

The knowledge that I have gained.

The techniques I have learnt to keep the keel nice and steady and when it goes of course, how to correct it.

The self belief I have got back, although I still have a long way to go, it is a dam sight more than zero!

The building of my resilience back up, again from zero has been challenging, but rewarding.

The ability to openly talk of my experience to others and to feel more comfortable standing in front of 500 people doing this than a lot of other places, very rewarding.

The starting of a support group, a partners group and a foundation to support my colleagues and their families wasn't something on the horizon early on but has been brilliant to watch grow.

I have been told so many times that I have so much courage, but I do not see it that way, far from it, I see it as a human repairing a serious injury by a variety of means.

I still have a ton of work to do and a life time of self care in front of me but I have the tools in my mental health tool kit to be able to successfully navigate what is ahead of me and if I get stuck along the way, I have so many to call on to give me a hand.

I am blessed. I put my health first, however I am very clear that there are so many much worse off than me, some close friends being front and center so I am grateful of where and who I am.

To be somewhat excited about the future is something that I have not felt since the mid 2000's and as each day goes by, I feel better about myself so is 10 February a crap day, not in the slightest, today is a great day.