April 8 2003 - the day my life changed, forever.

**Update: 19 years later and nothing has changed. The memories and feelings all remain the same.

18 years ago today I was called to a suicide with my off sider and great mate Lummy.

I remember the two story brick block of apartments in Collingwood, the green hand rail leading to the second story, the rusty lock on the green door, the door being open an inch or two, the two seater couch, the one seater chair, the round mat with tassles on the floor, the small TV with rabbits ears, the display cabinet with wine and champagne glasses within, the white stove, the white microwave, the white fridge, the pots and pans in the sink and everything else about that small one bed unit.

Most of all I remember the deceased, sandy/light brown short curly'ish hair, green tshirt, grey cargo shorts, no shoes and no socks. The look on his face, the lines in his face and other details that I need not go into.

I remember the physical impact as I looked at him.

I remember turning away and knowing that I had just been impacted like I had never been impacted before.

I remember leaving the unit.

I remember choosing to give death messages rather than go back inside.

I remember eventually having to re-enter only to have my trauma compounded by the smells of the unit.

I have reflected on this day countless times over the years and accepting that I was seriously injured on this day was an important part of my recovery.

To understand that I only looked at the deceased for the equivalent time of a blink of an eye, yet I have retained every exact minute detail.

To understand that we were only in that unit for 6-8 seconds before discovering the deceased, yet I have retained all the sights within that unit in minute detail.

That day is forever etched into my memory and it significantly changed my life, forever.

I will not ever type out the deceased's name out of respect. I know it and I know the exact address but that's to remain within.

I do not have any anger towards the deceased in any way. I have great empathy and I always wonder what he was going through to make that decision.

I feel for his parents and his friends that today, they reflect on a lost one while I sit on the opposite side of the scale. I am not throwing any parties here, don't get me wrong, but I am happy today. I am happy that I have come through the other side and have used the experience in a positive sense.

I often say, suicide is the biggest most critical decision of your life, when you are least able to make it. I will never know what his thought process was, but I sincerely hope his family and friends are at peace and have an understanding of why he made that decision.